Hi everybody! It's me, James. Sure you remember. I was the guy with the big nose and the deep voice that doesn't match my build? Remember? I said that thing and you weren't sure if I was being sarcastic or not? It got awkward and now things are weird between us? No? Huh. I must have imagined all that then.
ANYHOO! Now that the redesign has finally launched (FINALLY) I thought I'd go ahead and give my incredibly biased opinion of it. Because if there's one thing strange people I've never met want from me, it's my opinion. Now, let's get right down to it.
VISUALS: X X X X X _ _ _ _ _ 5/10
I was surprised to see that when the redesign launched the guys at the office decided to go with such a familiar visual style. The color scheme is largely the same as it was last year at this time, and I can't help but feel like they really just tried to play it safe. The fact is, it's not all that different from the previous design. I had to take some points off for that. Perhaps most vexing is that Tom made such a big deal about resizing all the icons for the thousands and thousands of flash movies on the site, and yet they haven't even been implemented. I kind of took that as a big middle finger to the doodoo hole. I expect we'll see a front page post about that from him soon with a big "LOL" as the headline. Then there'd be like... I dunno, a troll face, or whatever the shit you kids are into these days. Troll faces, right? Yeah. Anyway, well played, Tom. Ya got us. That was one mother of a practical joke.
NAVIGATION: X X _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 2/10
I hate to say it, but I think it's actually worse than it was before. Ya really dropped the ball here, guys. I swear, it took me a good 15 minutes just to find the home page. When I finally gave up, I went to try and watch some of my own cartoons (since they're the only things worth watching on this damn site) and I couldn't even navigate to my own userpage! What the hell?! I'll grant that part of it was my fault, since the batteries in my wireless mouse died, and I was really just staring at the Firefox startup screen until I changed the batteries, but I'm not taking all the heat for this. At some point, you guys need to start taking some responsibility for my actions. When I finally figured out how to get to your damn site, I tried searching for something in the search bar, and I didn't find what I was looking for. But oh, I'm sure it's MY fault that I never clicked the "search" button or tapped Enter. Real mature, guys. Grow up.
PORN: X X X X X X X _ _ _ 7/10
Not bad, team. Not bad at all. There's some quality stuff here, and PLENTY of jizz dried up on my carpet. I haven't yet located the scene of MindChamber and Stamper going at it, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and point my finger at your broken search feature. Like any red-blooded, American man I can't get off unless I've watching a sprite movie about a battle between Sonic and Shadow. (We all try to climax RIGHT when he transforms into Super Sonic, but has anyone ever timed that successfully?) The Madness Combat knock-offs are okay too, if you're into that kind of thing (I sooo am). Really, the only reason you lost points here is because of the Audio Portal. I searched the entire Audio Portal. Not one set of boobs.
NEW FEATURES: X X X X X X X X X X 10/10
I can't express it enough. They're all great. You've made good on every promise in this department. From the first new one, to the last new one, I love it. Could I pick a favorite? Probably not without pulling a muscle. I would have an easier time picking which of my children I love more (the hot one, obviously). I'll admit I was worried that when I came to the site post-redesign it was going to be exactly the same, with nothing new added at all. Thank GOODNESS that didn't happen. The changes are gonna bring in TONS of new, untalented hacks to the site, and they're gonna just be clickin' those ads of the scantily clad RPG babes like crazy. If it's not too early to ask, can I get a ride in the private Newgrounds Jet when you buy it? Thanks, T.
OVERALL: X X X X X X X X X X 10/10
Surprised by the score? Don't be. Here's where you went right: This redesign is identical to the old layout, and we here on Newgrounds are TERRIFIED OF CHANGE!!! Why, the slightest tweek is enough to throw us into an uproar. Remember when you added the super-awesome widescreen layout to the flash movie screen so they could be viewed at larger sizes and adapt to changing monitor technology? HATED IT. And when you chose to make all the movies auto-play so more people would view our videos? LOATHED IT. And when you added the Featured-Game at the top of the homepage above the flash movies to showcase some great new game that newcomers to the site might get hooked by? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU. Every one of these changes popped the ass-pimples of almost everyone on the site, and yet you went through with it anyway. And we were supposed to do what? ADAPT? Well we did, but we were NOT happy about it for at least a day or two. What are you taking notes from Facebook or something? Obviously not, since unlike Facebook, all your changes actually do make the site better, BUT THAT DOES NOT GIVE YOU AN EXCUSE. I am so mad just thinking about the word change, that I'm going to finish typing this and go to bed because it's 4 AM and I have work in the morning, and there is no reason I should even be typing it, since it will likely be viewed by around 40 people.
THANKS FOR THE REDESIGN YOU SAID WOULD BE DONE BY LAST PICO-DAY! It looks great. JUST DON'T CHANGE A THING.